Q: How often should I clean my bathroom?
A: Weekly is about right, unless someone has made a real mess. Toilets – if you have a toilet in the bathroom – may need cleaning even more frequently.
Q: How do I clean the bath?
A: Shake a whole lot of baking soda inside it. Then scrub at that grey ring and the like using a soft cloth. If you really want to cheat, you can use those face flannels that need to go out to the wash. Work systematically round the bath. Don’t forget the lip around the bath. You may need to pick at soap scraps with your fingernails to get them loose. Then rinse off the residue. Finally, get a dry flannel or dry cloth and give the taps a good buff-up. If they have a lot of limescale or soap scum on them, spray them with a mixture of vinegar and water first.
Q: There’s a bit of mouldy stuff where the bath meets the wall. What can I do about it?
A: If the mould is growing on the wall itself, douse the wall with neat lemon juice or vinegar to kill the mould spores. If the mould is growing on a flannel or loofah type thingy, then remove it, soak it in vinegar and leave it for a bit. Then wash it as normal and leave it to dry. Return it and make sure you hang it up so it can drip-dry properly and won’t get mouldy again. If the mould is growing on a home-made facemask, throw it out immediately and do not attempt to use it. If the mould is growing on an apple core left after you had a few nibbles in the bath, you are an utter slob and you should hire a professional cleaner if you don’t like cleaning to stop this sort of health hazard happening again – or else change your ways.
Q: How do I clean the glass shower door?
A: Clean this exactly the way that you’d clean other glass things, which includes the mirror. Shake up a mix of vinegar, water (about 50:50) and essential oil, then spray it all over the glass. Then give it a good rubbing with a soft cloth and you will find all the soap scum, etc. vanishing.
Q: How do I clean the carpet in the bathroom?
A: Get rid of it immediately. Bathroom carpets are highly insanitary. Double or even quadruple that if the loo lives in the bathroom. The same goes for those little mats that sit around the bottom of the toilet – yuck, yuck, yuck! If you find cold feet are a problem, wear slippers. And if you need to catch drips after getting out of the bath so you don’t slip, then learn what bath mats are for. Change and wash bath mats weekly or twice weekly, or whenever they get so sodden they don’t have a snowball’s chance in Gehenna of drying.
Q: But I can’t rip it up – this is a rental property.
A: Why do landlords seem to think that rental properties can have substandard decor and good taste (although, to be fair, my landlord doesn’t)? I’d like to say that you’re excused from cleaning it apart from the regulation hiring out of a steam cleaner when tidying up prior to moving out, but this would be unhygienic. Raise the matter with the landlord next time he/she pops in for a property inspection, and mention the increased potential for wet and dry rot as well as the sanitary reasons. Consider moving to another place.
Q: I’ve got blood on the bathroom carpet. How do I clean that up?
A: If the blood got there from a nosebleed, a cut finger or that-time-of-the-month, then sponge it very liberally with fresh cold water, then scrub it with soap and more cold water before blotting up. Repeat if necessary. If you have killed the landlord in sheer frustration at having to live with the bathroom carpet, then cleaning up the mess is only one of your worries – and the boys and girls in blue will still be able to find traces and slap you behind bars. Plead insanity induced by vile wallpaper patterns – which you probably also have to live with.