The Ultimate Nerd’s Guide to Fictional Carpet Cleaning

updated: 03/10/2023


It is the end of August, so what better way to commemorate the end of summer than a nerdy article about our favourite pastime – carpet cleaning! We selected some of the most famous fictional locations in cinema and literature and considered what carpet washing would look like if we were ever booked to treat them. So here are the results of this hilarious and entirely pointless exercise.

Hogwarts Castle Carpet Care (Harry Potter Series)

We would take the job in the blink of an eye. Can you imagine the price quote for such an enormous place? And all the carpets in the classrooms and professorial cabinets – it might be a full-time commitment. 

The Cons

With hundreds of kids living and studying in the castle for months, including teenagers, we don’t want to imagine the cleaning challenges. Add the multiple types of magic creatures and, above all, the owls – we would probably have to do thorough hot water extraction every fortnight. 

Furthermore, the Hogwarts climate felt a bit moisty, so we should count mould as a potential problem. 

The Pros

We do have powerful wizards on our side. One can imagine Dumbledore would know a thing or two about carpet maintenance spells. We have to ask – do you think the expelliarmus works on stains?

The Red Keep, Kings Landing (ASOIAF)

We wouldn’t have much of a choice here – you can hardly deny a royal command to clean the carpets in the seat of power in Westeros. We are perfectly fine to party with King Robert, but working for the Lannisters would be a moral dilemma.  

The Cons

The sheer size of the place would make it the greatest carpet-washing job we have ever taken. Besides, we would expect to treat a wide array of styles and textures – fabulous silk rugs from the Free Cities, woollen carpets from the North, not to mention the countless banners and sigils of lords, great and small. 

And what if we miss a stain by accident – does the Mountain get to smash our skull against the wall? The job risks at such a workplace would be intolerable! 

The Pros

If we manage to find common ground with Littlefinger, our payments should be quick and smooth. Besides, carpet washing should give us unobstructed access to the entire castle – and who pays attention to cleaners anyway? So we could augment our pay by spying for Lord Varys. 

Camelot

Guinevere and King Arthur at Camelot

Ah, the great city of light, the capital of King Arthur himself! How could you deny the chance to clean the carpets around the Round Table? 

The Cons

Endless feasts, rowdy knights, and early-mediaeval levels of hygiene – not the dream environment for a carpet cleaner. We should expect omnipresent wine and ale stains, heavy foot traffic, mud prints, and God knows what else! Now that we come to think of it, it might be the hardest cleaning challenge of them all!

The Pros

But we do have the greatest wizard in the history of the Isles on our side. If we could win the trust of Master Merlin, he would surely reveal the recipe for a potent concoction that cleans even the worst-smothered carpet. Who knows, we might even bring it back and sell it at exorbitant rates!

Carpet Washing At The Tower of Orthanc? No, thank you! (The Lord of the Rings)

We confess – none of us wanted to take that job. But Saruman cast a spell over us with the Voice, and before we knew it, we were scrubbing up and down his bastion like crazy!

The Cons

The worst thing about Orthanc is that there are no elevators. Come on! This thing is as tall as the Shard and ten times harder to climb on those narrow, winding stairs. 

And don’t get us started about the Orks! They are filthy, they smell, and their hygienic habits are even worse than the knights of Camelot. The Uruk-hai are the nastiest of them all – they leave bloody stains all over the place and tell us we would make a nice stew if we didn’t clean faster. 

The Pros

The pipe weed was really nice, although we only managed to sneak out a small barrel. Otherwise, there was nothing pleasant about this job. A wizard should know better!

Darth Vader’s Star Destroyer

Carpet cleaning for the Dark Lord of Sith
Image Source: Steven Miller

Let’s change the setting entirely and move into space. The formidable intergalactic heavy cruiser of the Dark Lord of Sith would feature an almost corporate office-like environment. Still, we expect it to look more familiar than the mediaeval settings mentioned above. 

The Cons

We wouldn’t call working for Darth Vader a stress-free proposition. The smallest mistakes might result in a vicious death choke, and those hyperspeed jumps would turn your stomach instantaneously. 

The Pros

Still, it would be kind of cool to work on one of the most formidable military machines ever imagined in cinema history. Besides, we can only imagine the types of technological advances in carpet cleaning equipment in the galaxy far, far away. If we only have to oversee the work of droids, sign us up for the job!

The Ducal Palace, Arrakis (Dune)

Maybe it is the fact that we are too used to the mild London climate. Perhaps we are too accustomed to air-conditioned premises and the comforts of modern buildings. But the prospect of carpet cleaning in one of the hottest places ever imagined is not particularly appealing.

The Cons

Carpets and sand do not make a good combination. Sand not only penetrates deep between the threads, but its quartz structure can cut right through the fibres due to the constant friction. 

If we added the expected heavy foot traffic of the palace guards, administration, and Atreides courtiers, we would get a carpet-cleaning recipe for disaster. 

The Pros

This spice thing is real! It would help us clean faster, make our senses sharper, and give us the cool blue-eyes effect. Besides, the Palace grounds are far enough from the giant Worms that like to chomp on our hot water extraction machines.

Carpet Cleaning for the Avengers (The Marvel Multiverse)

Let’s make something perfectly clear – we would have no problem making a one-off appointment at Stark Tower. But a long-term commitment across multiple planets and time-space continuums is out of the question!

The Cons

We are used to dealing with angry customers, but The Hulk takes it to another level. And Thor’s drinking habits are flatly disturbing. 

The Pros

On the other hand, we find the risks of cleaning for the Black Widow to be strangely appealing. And if Tony Stark promised to come up with the best high-tech carpet-washing machine ever, we might reconsider our no-long-term commitment policy. 

About the author 

George Markov